It has been a few days of peace here at the K household and I wanted to post my enlightenments before something else happens and messes with my carefully thought out theories.

But before that, thank you. The lot of you who sent me comments and emails and empathized with the situation. You put yourself in my spot and gave me practical suggestions, heartfelt hugs & you didn’t need to specifically say it, I know it – your comments told me how much you care.

Every time I think I should stop blogging or take this private, I get a comment/email from a new reader that makes me rethink it. This time the savior was your email, S.S., you know who you are. I owe you a reply back.

So for posterity and for the benefit of other moms in this situation, here’s what NOT to do: This is a compilation of the things I used to do, but I couldn’t see it till I wrote that post, replied to comments, replied to emails and read all those wonderful tips from you.

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A tantrum is starting. I approach him with an attitude that says, “I can’t believe I have to deal with this again”. I talk to his level “Is there a problem?” I am not raising my voice, but I am speaking through clenched teeth, threatening.

(Right here I have declared war….and lost it too.)

He doesn’t reply properly.
“I want you to answer me – what do you want?”
something unreasonable.
“Forget it. I can’t do that because blah blah….”
whine
“Stop whining or else…”
scream
“Do you want a smack?”
scream some more
“Fine you asked for it.” (some silly punishment)
whine/scream/kick/hurt/ all sorts of nonsense.

So, mistake #1: Treating a tantrum as if it were an annoyance, forgetting that all it is, is a cry for help.

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A whole day goes by with me not actually interacting with him – yes, I’d do things for him, but my only conversation with him might have been along the lines of “Come, its time for a shower”, “Don’t run from me, you need to wear your clothes” etc.

Obviously, this is not how we started off, but in the run of things, some basics get sidelined and this is one of them.

Mistake #2: Belittling the importance of heart to heart conversation, not understanding that mere presence is nothing, quality of time spent is everything. Given K’s personality, our relationship so far, and all the changes we put him through, this was a critical mistake.

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When I am trying to calm K, Plane cries, someone else intervenes and tries something different than what I am doing. I let myself get swayed by the polar forces pulling in either direction, remember all the past incidents and aggravate my reaction to K.

Mistake #3: Taking many little hills and making a mountain, letting external forces influence me at that point, forgetting to start with a clean slate.

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He acts rude in front of guests, I squirm, fidget, think of all the horrid things they’d be thinking right then, and they’d be saying right after they leave. I get terribly embarrassed.

Mistake #4: Thinking that his poor behavior in some social situations is a reflection of my inadequate parenting; or a permanent trait in his personality; or that  I need to justify it to every visitor; or that it is a sign that he is insecure. Not remembering that what they’re seeing is but a tiny facet of him, for one splice of time, that they don’t know the multi-dimensional, charming, intelligent and amazing kid behind that. Not realizing that they don’t need to know that – the impression they leave with is trivial and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things (a.k.a. who gives a rat’s ass what random people think of my son?)

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Mistake #5: Believing that control over a situation = competence in parenting.

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Mistake #6: Forgetting his age – that he is between 3 and 4. About 1/10th my age, which means at the very least, I should expect 1/10th less from him and be 10 times more patient than I am with myself.

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As you can clearly see, it was all my fault :) There’s no way in hell, that I’m not going to repeat these very same ones over and over again. The point of writing it down is, so, if I feel lost at sea again, I’ll have somewhere to go to find my way out.

 

Next up: What is a mom to do?